# Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[erial-c]

puff is this an attack . i feel attacked

Freelancer died young.

It didn't matter what of; a freak accident, an illness, something the doctors can't name. It didn't change anything.

Gavin thought he knew every part of his Freelancer. The way their body felt in his hands, the delicate way their hands cradled his. The way they leant into his touch and the way they'd chuckle when he'd do the same. The sound of their laugh, their sobs, their moans. He knew all of it, he would know it blind or deaf or in the grave.

But he didn't know. Not all of them. And he'll never get to know.

He'll never the know the way their skin would wrinkle like old paper. He'll never get to memorise the crow feet at the corners of their eyes, to count each line on their face like stars in the night sky. He won't listen as their voice grows hoarse, soft.

Freelancer will never grow old at his side.

All he can do is hold their hand in a desperate grip, until goes limp. Until he has to be dragged away from the hospital bed and the healer had to pry his hand from theirs.

And just like that he knows nothing. The world is alien and strange and foreign. But what can he do?

He goes back to a too quiet apartment he doesn't belong in. To a friend group held together by the loosest of threads, of which his had just been cut. To a world that doesn't need him in it.

Left with only the faintest memory of a hand on his shoulder and the ghost of a laugh in his ear.

[thegleampt2fromtheglowpt22001]

was talking 2 one ov thee cashiers at work n he noticed thee bruises on my neck n goes "did u get choked????" like kinda worried-like n my instinct was 2 say o yea but then I remembered I was at work n shldnt b weird so I stopped myself which just resulted in just kinda staring like a deer in headlights til he realized what was going on n started laughing @ me

[zishuwu]

hey! i dont know if you celebrate thanksgiving, but in the spirit! tag some of your closest friends on here to show you're grateful if you want to!

hi!! i don’t usually but 4 u i will!!! these r just a couple!! ok ok 

@love4marklee ally is probably one of my really close friends on here bc ,,, wow,,, what DONT i tell ally abt ngl.... its INSANE. like smth happens n im like. ally. ull NEVER believe what just happened. n allys like aw shit here we go again,,, angel can u NEVER sit still. n here we r. ally literally means the most to me n i love her with all my heart soul body astral projection,,,, ive known her for,,, too long now n oh shit? i genuinely love her thank u for everything ally :) u make me sosoosososo happy n ways u dont understand and thats OK !!! i just love the dumb tiktoks u send n have a scary ability of messaging exactly when i open the app or when ive just left the house to go out. its wild . i appreciate all of ur messages tho dont get it twisted i love u sosososo much :)

@1beloved N^2 WILL NEVER DIE. if nao n i ever meet,,,, the absolute CHAOS. that would happen,,,, oh, my, gods, y’all r lucky we live in diff places,,,, but one day y’all will COWER in our strength bc i too love nao with my everything !!! naos so cool n cute n chaotic,,,, what DOESNT nao have??? they remind me of like cooler nights in the city just chilling with friends n like. raving in the middle of target or smth nao is SO COOL n im eternally grateful to have met her and to be her friend,,,, wow,,,, N UR BASS VIDEOS,,,, I HOPE ITS OK,,,, but like i love it !! u playh for me n show me ur progress n im!! always so excted!!! aaaHh!!!

@doublelutz  hi!!!! asma,,,, wow,,,,, WOW,,,,, there r so many things to say i could not even begin nor end its INSANE but i adore u all the same !!! asmas so cool and funny and absolutely adorable! her antics and storytelling ability never fails to make me laugh :”) she talks rlly fast on the phone n like i just brain slow mode n im like. hello. n then she GIGGLES n its like. whooooosh !! uk!!!! im just really really grateful for asma :) she’s amazing n wonderful n caring n kind n considerate n i rlly cld go on forever like wow heart emoji personified for asma n asma ONLY. boom boom POW i love u !!!

@xiaocity hello siya :( listen. siya just. SIYA. uk ?? n ive uve ever talked to siya i can guarantee that u were endeared in all ways possible shes so DYNAMIC n like whoosh boom boom pow crush!!!!! she kills everything she does. shes like a+ here a+ there oh look? im the best person alive? yeah . yeah she IS . like thats my BABY

@perks-of-being-a-violinist hannah!!!! hi i feel like i met hannah two months ago but suddenly i tell hannah abt everything like im like a five yr old talking to hannah im so unsure as to why she still talks to me im like that kid who draws this absolute terrible drawing n is like LOOK BE PROUD OF ME n hannah is the one who sighs n tapes it on the fridge. yeah. but i loev hannah for everything n anything like hannah will breathe n ill be liketake notes angel. thats how u be amazing. like hannah is just all around a great person?? shes kind and wonderful and cool n im so sos o so so grateful im friends w her. she makes me rlly happy n im like wow! shes so positive n like look on the bright side!!!! n im like boo emo n she like ok. but positivity n uk what. i respect that. im grateful for her. 

@leoomoon SAMAAAAAAAAA hello!!!! i love  u!!!! me n samaa talk once a century or week or two n im like. adoration face? on. i just. love samaa w every inch of my body n soul like i cant help that!!! u message back n my braincells flip theyre like its samaaa its SAMAA pick up ur phone fuck biology pick up the PHONEEEEEE its odd but. thats how that works !! u also make me really reallylyyy happy !! samaa,,, best person alive? yes. theyre like hi im here for u n the times u fuck up n im like !! same for u !! but this time i did smth REALLY dumb ,,, n theyre like sigh,,,, why r u always doing such last minute crap,,,, n iim like. ik i do this to myself but. pls. KNJDFKJNSDJKNFJKDKJF idk samaa is just so cool n nice n SUPER UBER cool n understanding n compassionate i cld go on for centuries rlly but ill stop here w a im grateful for u :)

@limitlessjohnny aaaaAAAAh last but def CERTAINLY not least. hayden is like,,, whoooooo!!! if i dont talk to hayden at least once im like. is smth wrong.... maybe i shld send an ily. thats it there we go. n thats that !!! id k i just like get worried rlly fast ! if im on insta,,, im probably talking to hayden ! i love them sm sm sm !! they dont mind when im dumb or when i respond late when im sleeping !! n they always tell me to get rest n somehow know when im awake??? FREAKY. but appreciated habit. they also tell me cool stories !!! like they tell me things they do n places they go n things to keep in mind abt college n life advice hello older sibling i wish i had :( i love love love hayden sm !! aaaaAAAAAh !!!! i rlly cld go on n on w hayden n how cool they are!! but i shldnt forget to mention im grateful for how sympathetic n open they are !! i rlly value tht n like aim to be so open?? wow??? omg

[frywen-babbles]

Sounds of Silence pt6

"They shouldn't send you messages like that. You've done nothing wrong."

"It's okay. It'll die out soon enough when they realise I won't make any of this public. I just want to move on with my life." She shoved some cake into her mouth before she continued. "Enough about me. How have you been?"

"Studying," he replied before he thought of something. "I'll visit mother tomorrow... I thought... maybe you'd..."

"I'd love to come. Just tell me when and where and I'll be there."

He nodded in response and took a sip of his tea. Why was the situation suddenly so... awkward. What did people talk about in dates... non-dates anyway?

"Um... What's the new job you got?"

"The same old. Shelving in a grocery store, just in a different one than before."

"That must be... interesting."

"Please, it's boring as fuck. But it's a job."

Mitsunari regarded her carefully. Once she had talked about wanting to become a teacher and he couldn't but wonder what had become of those dreams. Now she seemed content at working in a grocery store, her dreams seemingly forgotten. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but he remembered how fondly she had talked about her dream. Had she given up on it completely? She wouldn't, would she? He worked so hard to achieve his dream and proving himself it seemed almost unthinkable someone would just give up.

"Earth to Manju-boy, are you even paying attention to me?" Mitsunari was woken from his thoughts when she tapped his arm gently.

"Just thinking about my studies."

"How are they going anyways?"

*****

Miraculously, their non-date had ended well and way less awkwardly than he had feared. They had ended up talking about his studies for way longer than he had planned, but she hadn't seemed to mind.

He was just about to go to sleep when his phone blinged with a message.

<i wntd 2 apologise> <i hd no rght 2 b that mean 2 u>    <What do you mean?> <thse mssgs i swd u> <i thgt ud say th same> <thnk u> <it rly mns a lot ur on my side>    <Of course I am.>

She didn't reply so he put his phone down and closed his eyes ready to sleep. But just as he had drifted off his phone blinged with a new message waking him up.

<it tk me 2 long 2 admit wht ws gng on. nd aftr thn i wnted 2 stay bc i lved him. i blievd it ws nly once. twice. i thght if id jst chnge myslf he didnt hve any rson 2 gt angry at me. i trd so hrd 2 be the prfct wife i feel like i lost myself. Ths isnt how I thght my life wld be.> <im scred> <i have no1 I cn rely on> <im sorry im blathering u must be thinking abt ur mom> <i shldnt cmplain evrythng is fine im sry>    <No, it's okay. It's understandable to be scared.> <sry> <im jst so lost> <nd scard> <all of ths is nw 2 me> <we gt mrried whn i finishd hgh school. i rlied 2 hm on evrthng> <nd nw its jst all gne> <sry 2 nght evrthng jist cmes rshing dwn> <ill go 2 bed now night>    <Don't apologise. Being scared of the unknown is part of human nature.>    <Good night.>

***

The next day he waited for her in front of the hospital. He had come way too early so his thoughts turned into the previous day and to his... non-date. She had looked very pretty. Beautiful. He looked at his watch when he felt a light tap on his arm and turned around to find her standing next to him.

"Are you sure you want to come?" he asked.

"Of course! I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't want to."

Mitsunari sneaked into the first bathroom in the ward and a moment later when he emerged he expected her to laugh or... something. Instead, she looked at him earnestly, her expression serious.

"Are you ready?" she asked before she reached to straighten out a hair on his wig. He gave a firm nod before he headed out towards his mother's room.

"Mitsunari!" He stopped when he heard his name and sighed before he turned around to greet one of the nurses. "I see you brought your girlfriend today, how nice of you. Why haven't you told us before you have a girlfriend?" the nurse winked at him and he resisted the urge to either roll his eyes or facepalm.

"We're friends," he said at the same time she bowed.

"Thank you for taking care of Mitsunari," she said aloud. It was the first time Mitsunari had heard her speak. He missed completely when she introduced herself, his mind focused only on the sound of her voice, on the way she slowly pronounced each word, on the melody of her voice and he couldn't help but want to hear her voice again and again. He wanted to hear what she sounded like when she was happy, when she was excited, when she was sad. He felt selfish in his want, but still, he wanted her to show all sides of herself to him.

Mitsunari tugged on her arm and bowed to the nurse, repeating his earlier words of them being just friends, but it didn't wipe the knowing smile from the nurse's lips.

Just when he was about to knock on the door of his mother's room, he felt her take a hold of his hand and give it a firm squeeze. He held her hand a bit tighter too and knocked on the door.

"Mother? It's me, Saki."

"Saki! My beautiful, darling Saki!" He heard her voice before he saw her.

"Mother, I brought a friend with me." He stepped inside and gently pulled her in with him and introduced her.

"It is nice to meet you, Mrs Ishida." She bowed and his mother beamed at them. He didn't even remember when he had seen her looking so happy.

"I'm so happy Saki brought a friend with her! Come here, sit." His mother patted the bed beside her. She glanced at him and when he nodded she sat beside her.

"Thank you."

She paid close attention to his mother, turning every now and then to him for clarification. He felt like his mother recited every embarrassing thing he had ever done, his face burning hot with embarrassment under the makeup. A small (well, a big) consolation was hearing her laugh aloud, something he hadn't heard since the day after he had rescued her from her ex.

When his mother started to look tired he got up and nudged her arm.

"I think we should go now, mother. I'll come back soon."

"Please bring your lovely friend again too! It warms my heart to know you have such a good friend."

"I'll have to ask her..." he mumbled giving his mother a hug.

When he took her hand to lead her outside he could feel her hand tremble. He glanced at her, but her expression was a calm, calculated mask. As soon as they were outside of the door he let go of her hand.

"Your hands are trembling."

"You're imagining things," she replied with a smile which didn't quite reach her eyes.

"But-" he started, but was cut off when she turned away from him.

"Excuse me..." she hurried to the nearest bathroom leaving him to stare after her. He was still staring at the door when she emerged a moment later her eyes red and puffy.

“Sorry...” she forced a smile and as much as he wanted to ask, he decided not to pry was probably the best option.

“I’ll go change. We could... You could come for tea... if you want.” How did people ask others to hang out? It was apparent he was terrible at it.

“I’d love to.” This time the smile she gave him was genuine.

Their trip at his place was mostly filled with comfortable silence. She leaned against his shoulder on the train, dozing off every now and then. He concluded she must be tired but didn’t want to pry the reason why. She would tell him if she wanted to.

When they reached his apartment, Hideyoshi was already there, half asleep watching YouTube videos in the living room.

“Oh, heeey... I didn’t think you’d be back yet, you okay?” he mumbled waving his hand at his general direction without turning around.

“We came to make some food.”

“We? I thought you went to- oh hi!” Hideyoshi turned around to look at them and as soon as he saw her he waved at them awkwardly.

He laid over the handrest of the sofa looking at them while they unloaded the groceries and prepared the food.

Mitsunari sighed and turned to look at Hideyoshi, who had a bright smile on his lips as soon as he looked at him. “Do you want something? If you don’t, stop staring like a starved puppy. The mutt next door does a good enough job on that already without your help.”

"I thought you'd never ask me to join! It smells so good."

Hideyoshi made the table and they sat down to eat.

"So, what were you up today?" Hideyoshi asked filling his bowl with food.

"None of your business."

"So it was a secret date!"

Mitsunari was just about to reply when she coughed and reached for a glass of water her face starting to turn an adorable shade of red.

"Are you okay?" he asked her when she managed to gulp down some water her face still bright red.

"Why does Monkey think we went on a secret date?"

Mitsunari felt his cheeks start to burn out of embarrassment too, her embarrassment only increasing his own.

"I don't know! Stop inventing stupid nicknames to my friends."

"Shut it Manju-boy! You better tell Monkey-boy he has it all wrong. We are friends, nothing else."

Mitsunari translated her words to Hideyoshi who had been grinning knowingly at their mutual blushing, but he couldn't help the pang in his heart at her flat out refusal of them being on a date.

It must be so terrible to her to even think him as a man after what she had seen of him today. After all, she knew of him.

She would never see him in any other way than as a friend and realising that hurt way more than he thought it would. It hurt so much for a while he couldn't even think straight, yet alone be a part of the conversation.

"Mitsunari, did you hear what I said?" Hideyoshi's words brought him back to himself and when he glanced at her, even she was staring at him with a small frown between her (very beautiful) brows.

"No, my mind was elsewhere."

"In the gutter, I imagine?" Hideyoshi winked at him but all he could do was roll his eyes.

"You had *something* to say, so spit it out."

"Um, yeah, Nobu wants us to go play Wii next Sunday, why don't you two come too?"

"And he expects us just happily spend a Sunday dealing with utter torture?"

"There will be free food! Nothing beats free food."

"Fine..." he grumbled and turned to her, but her eyes were already sparkling. "A friend of ours wants us to go play Wii at his place on Sunday. Do you want to come?"

"Only if I get the promised free food you were talking about!"

***

The next Sunday they found themselves in front of a grand downtown building where Nobunaga's personal apartment was. She was staring at it her mouth agape.

"Your friend lives here?"

"Yeah."

"Wow..."

She held onto his sleeve when they entered the building, her eyes wide at the sight of the doorman and the security.

When the doors opened at the top floor she was stunned. He had to nearly drag her forward to meet their host.

Not that that went any better. As soon as she saw Nobunaga, she yanked at his sleeve until he was sure it would rip off.

"That's- that's O-da No-bu-na-ga!"

"I know. Now stop pulling my sleeve!"

"But... how?"

"Blame Hi-de-yo-shi, he always wants to drag me along..."

"Wait how does Monkey know him?"

He was about to reply when Nobunaga seemed to get bored of not being a part of the conversation.

"The least you could do was to introduce her."

As soon has he had managed to introduce her, Hideyoshi, who had come at the same time with them leant towards Nobunaga with a conspirational grin.

"You know, she's Mitsunari's 'special friend'"

"Oh, is she now?" Nobunaga had an amused smile on his lips when he eyed her.

"Stop making it sound so dirty," he huffed at them and took her hand to lead her away from the two men determined to misunderstand their relationship.

They found Hanbei huddled at a corner already, his nose deep in a book. He didn't pay any attention to them so they sat on the sofa next to him. She was tense, eying her surroundings like a caged animal before she turned to him.

"Just... how? You do know he's very famous, right?"

"Yes. But Hi-de-yo-shi keeps dragging me along every time..."

"You're playing Wii with the famous O-da No-bu-na-ga..." she repeated it to herself as if to make sure she understood correctly. Suddenly, she lifted her head and grasped his arm. "How did he know who I was?"

"It was him who offered to let you stay in the guestroom in the house. It's only used when someone in the Oda family has important guests over."

"Wait what? I thought that was where miss Oichi lives?"

"No, she was just staying over so you wouldn't have to be alone."

She buried her head in her hands for a while before she looked at him again, a hints of despair in her expression.

"How can I ever repay them?"

"You don't have to. Everyone wanted to help."

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Even though it ate him alive he’d had to ask for their help there was no way he would tell her that. He would repay them as soon as possible.

The atmosphere relaxed as more people showed up. She didn’t leave his side until her gaze shifted to all of the snacks Nobunaga had brought out.

"What a nasty little piggy you have found for yourself."

There were people he’d be glad if he never had to see ever again. Tokugawa Ieyasu was one of them. Even the existence of him made Mitsunari’s skin crawl with disgust, let alone hearing whatever hideous thing he had to say. Why Nobunaga kept inviting the man was beyond him.

"Shut your mouth, filthy tanuki!" he spat back at Ieyasu, his eyes on her. She kept happily showing a snack after snack into her mouth until she glanced at him.

She froze, her eyes travelling from him to Hideyoshi and back at him.

"What happened?"

"It's nothing."

"Why won't you tell me?" She looked around the room, at everyone staring at them and she shrank back, averting her eyes to the floor. She made a quick bow and fled the room.

He followed her to the entrance hall, where she was desperately hitting the button to call the elevator, her face turned away from him so he couldn't see her expression. She cast a quick glance at him before she averted her eyes again and dug out her phone.

<i dnt blong hre ill jst go> <tll evry1 im sry>

The doors slid open and she took a step towards the elevator, but he took a hold of her arm to stop her. He needed... wanted to know what was wrong with her. Why did she suddenly decide to run away from him.

She froze, standing completely still. He slowly let go of her arm and she quickly hugged herself. He was at loss at what to do. He followed her to the elevator, but she kept her eyes on the door, completely ignoring his presence.

Had he done something wrong? If he had, he had no idea what it might be or why had she reacted the way she had.

When they reached the ground floor he followed her out of the elevator but reached for her arm again, this time just to gently touch her. She turned to look at him, tears glistening on her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away, her lips pursed to stop the quiver of her lower lip.

"What happened?" he asked. She took her phone and fiddled with it for a moment and soon he heard his phone alert him of a new message.

<i dnt blng>

She turned around to walk out of the door, but he reached for her again.

"What do you mean? Explain." She was just about to look at her phone again when he tapped on her arm again. "Talk to me."

She turned her head away from him and he was just about to reach for her arm again when the security guard interrupted them.

"Is everything alrigh, miss?" he asked. She jumped a bit and looked at his face, a small frown between her brows.

"...sorry...?" she whispered.

"Is everything alright, miss? Is this man bothering you? Do you need a taxi to get you home?"

"Thank you, we're fine," Mitsunari interrupted.

"I was talking to the young lady, sir." The security guard gave him a stern look. She looked from him to the security guard, her expression guarded.

"...fine... no... taxi..." she mumbled.

"Could we talk somewhere a bit more private?" Mitsunari asked the security guard, who pointed them at a bench at the side of the entrance hall, hidden from the view by a large plant. He guided her to sit down and sat next to her touching her hand gently to get her to look at him.

"Talk to me, please?"

"This... everything was a bad idea. I should have listened to Yoshi, I’ll never fit in..."

@masamunesmistress @han-pan @you-mass-effect-my-dragon-age @honeybeelily @dreamfar628

[knockknockwhostheregun]

im really sad zooey hates me, cause i still cant find it in myself to stop loving them. i knowwwwww i shldnt but like they knew so much abt me and went through so much w me and they were so good at making me laugh. like i was thinking earlier. afew days ago. that if i were to run into them or like hang out, the instinct to like. be couply hasnt gone. like i would give them a kiss or spoon or cuddle or shower together and it would be normal. i can still imagine doing that and not being like uncomfortable or anxious. idk . i think queer platonic relationships are. sketch. but i also dont think we were really. Together. y know. it was pretty queer but also it was pretty platonic. i am looking forward to having another relationship like that. someone i can be close to and romantic with and touch and be sensual but neither of us expect sex or sloppy makeouts. maybe with a sweet little gay ladie :flushed: i miss intimacy. me and harry dont rlly talk feelings as openly as we should. cause hes kind of closed off but. i want that again!!!!  maybe i jsut want harry to give me more.idk. i  mean he could theoretically go on sweet hikes and picinics and stuff w me but idk if he would /want/ to. he would be doiung it for me. i want someone i can do it with. i miss cj a lot and i can imagine doin that stuff with her. i never rlly stopped liking her and she makes my brain all happy . but i dont wanna fuck her.  ANyway./ i  guess this means i should purge zooey out of my life too. it hurt really bad to see what they said abt me . so i guesss ssss. its over now like for real finally. ugh. gotta tell harry to get his last jabs in so we can stop thinking about them forever. i will probably change my url also. and hope that they change theirs so i cant find them

[we-work-hard]

Conflict: Part Three

Pairing: AJ Styles x Shane McMahon

Summary: AJ and Shane struggle with their feelings for each other, before and after Wrestlemania 33 (Part One is here, and here’s Part Two – This starts up again the night after they’ve had their chat in the storeroom backstage at SmackDown during the last chapter. Then it goes back in time a bit to see how they got where they are..)

Notes: I’m trying to keep to a proper timeline with the appearances on Talking Smack that will feed in later, and what-happened-when on SmackDown. The UpUpDownDown cakeness in this chapter isn’t at the right time, though – I slightly fudged when that happened to fit it in... 

Warnings: Adultery, and always typos, and some imagined talk about other wrestlers in the industry (obvs, I’m not saying Shane and AJ would really think this about these people – but they do in this fic), and some blasphemous talk, I think (I hope it doesn’t offend anyone – the fam I come from is religious, but I’m not, so... yeah)

Tagging: Peeps who were kind about the other chapters – thank you so much, for being supportive (and thank you, ALWAYS, to @llowkeys for anonning with me when I was scared to join here, and for continuing to be a darling everyday – we’re so glad you’re back, bby xxx)

@llowkeys @scriptor @cruxcantare @castielscamander @omegaweaponx @athoughtfulmindwrites  @loveambrylayn  @innocent-reid @ladym0xley @bloodzaynpunk @dagger956luna @violas87 @eshia16 @alenathi @toosweetme @your-darkdiva @the-geekgoddes @newjapan @shoo-chan @welshwitch5 @idle-vanity @unabashedwwesmut @your-darkdiva

Conflict: Part Three

Shane’s been waiting for AJ for three and a half hours now. He’s lying on the hotel bed in the dark, fully clothed, shoes still on, drumming his stomach with his fingers. No doubt AJ’s going to go back to completely stonewalling him again. He reaches for his phone.

‘You’re not coming’

He doesn’t expect a response. AJ opening up to him again today was just a fluke, another little bit of hope to torment him. Physical proximity is the key to getting through to AJ, always has been – something about being able to hear Shane’s voice makes him listen. Touches make his shoulders relax, eye contact makes the truth come out. As soon as they’re physically apart again, the anger in AJ comes back. Suddenly, AJ thinks Shane’s playing a game with him – Shane wants to ruin his life; AJ’s never been interested in a man because he’s not like that; he was confused; he needs to reconnect with his church. All the things that fall away when Shane touches him.

Shane’s phone vibrates.

‘I cant’

Shane sits up on the bed, holding the phone in front of him. AJ’s thinking about it in the dark, too. What can he message back; what can he say that won’t make AJ shut down? He needs AJ here in front of him, but this is the chance he’s been given.

As he panics, his phone vibrates in his hands again, lighting up the dark room with a glow.

‘u don’t just want to talk’

He’s right. Shane quickly messages back.

‘No?’

‘nope. I know u’

Shane pulls himself to the edge of the bed and turns the lamp on, dropping the phone for a moment to wipe his clammy hands up and down on his pants – this is a big thing AJ’s doing right now, letting him back in. Shane can’t help the little thrill that goes through him at AJ allowing this type of communication. He thinks, and starts to type in...

‘What do you think I want to do?’

Will AJ respond to that? Please, please let AJ respond to that and not get mad, Shane thinks, his leg bouncing up and down.

‘think u want to kiss me again. + more’

Shane sits up straight, his stomach twisting with nerves and excitement.

‘I think I do... do you want me to?’ he thumbs in. That might be too far, but please let it not be, please let AJ respond, even if it’s just to tell him to stop.

‘perhaps’ is what his phone lights up with.

Shane’s head drops into his hands, the phone pressing against his face. AJ’s in the same building, in a room here somewhere, and he maybe wants Shane to kiss him again. And more. Suddenly, Shane feels like the luckiest man in the world, being told ‘perhaps’.

‘Then come and be with me’

He drops the phone again and folds his hands together, pushing them against his face, like he’s praying. Maybe he is praying. When the response comes, he’s confused at first.

‘remember the 1st time’

AJ wants to reminisce... Shane can do that – he likes thinking about that day. Not the arguments before or after, but the complete honesty between them in the middle. Being allowed to touch the other man the way he’d wanted to for so long; to love him.  

AJ texts again, straight away: ‘i was so scared but so happy’

That makes Shane smile.

‘I didn’t think you’d let me near you, I thought I’d messed it all up’

‘you didn’t. I feel so bad all the time shane’

‘You felt good when you were with me?’

AJ keeps him waiting a minute or so, but it feels like longer.

‘yes’

‘So be with me. Not tonight, if you’re not ready. Just don’t push me away anymore. Think about it? Promise me you will?’

Shane’s stomach twists while he waits, hoping AJ will reply.

‘ok’

Thank goodness. Shane falls back onto the bed, holding the phone to his chest and letting out a relieved laugh. He’s got a chance; AJ’s giving him another ‘perhaps’. His phone buzzes again.

‘so... u don’t want to see me 2nite?’

Shane laughs in delight at the flirting starting again. He never thought it would.

‘Nope. I’d rather sleep ;D’

“!!!”

“Think about me tonight?”

Another pause to make Shane worry, the seconds ticking by.

‘i will’

And a beat later:

‘i missed us talking shane’

‘And kissing?’

‘maybe that too’

‘And the rest?’

‘don’t push your luck. Good night shane’

‘Goodnight AJ. I hope you’re wearing those ugly pants you like to wear to sleep in’

He won’t respond to that.

‘wld send u a pic but i don’t want u getting too excited’

Holy crap, he did.

‘You know me so well’

‘stop keepin me awake dang it’

‘You’re keeping *me* awake!’

Another pause, and Shane thinks that might be it for the night.

‘u dont need any beauty sleep u handsome man’

There is no way Shane is going to be able to sleep now, he’s smiling so hard.

‘i shldnt have said that - goodnight shane’

‘Sweet dreams, you sweet man’

‘quit it’

And a moment later...

‘xx’

Shane gets up to turn the light out again, grinning in happiness and relief. He should text his wife to say goodnight, he should. But he forces the thought out of his head along with the guilt.

AJ’s under the same roof as him, and he’s thinking about him. For now, it’s enough.  

***

Shane’s getting to know him. They’re building to their Wrestlemania match months in advance; specific spots to be worked out nearer to the big day, but right now they’re working on their programme by getting comfortable with each other in the ring, talking things out. AJ’s a hard-worker, patient, and Shane enjoys his sense of humour. He likes feeling out AJ’s moves in the ring, sitting on the mat to talk afterwards.

They’re taking another break, gulping down water and quietly talking to each other while others make use of the rings and equipment around them. He trusts AJ, tells him things he probably shouldn’t.

“We don’t get on, actually.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“How come?”

“He... has a lot of ideas I don’t agree with.”

“Like, maybe, booking himself to main-event WrestleMania two years in a row, instead of giving opportunities to other people…”

“Uh, yeah, maybe something like that.”

Shane looks down, talking quietly, quicker than usual. AJ watches him and blinks softly, not rushing him.

“I don’t know,” Shane shrugs. “I don’t think much of his work. And I know I’ve got no right, I know that. I don’t know what it takes to make it in this business as a wrestler, from the bottom, of course I don’t.” AJ swiftly shakes his head and frowns, which Shane shakes off.

“But... that’s just how I feel. No matter how good he is to Steph, I don’t think much of him; never have. I know he doesn’t think much of me, either.”

There’s a companionable silence while AJ looks out over to the training going on in other parts of the centre, seeing no one can hear them. He looks down to scratch at the mat while he talks, hushed, deciding to trade a secret for Shane’s. 

“I don’t like John.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” he says quietly, like a kid confessing a wrong-doing. “Don’t like ‘im.”   

“I thought he was giving you ‘the matches of your career’...” Shane says, dropping in a quote he’s heard from AJ in numerous interviews.

“Well… the programme went great, don’t get me wrong. And it got me to where I needed to be; I’m grateful for that-”

“No, no, I get it – go on.”

“But…I dunno… him callin’ every match? I worked all over the world before coming here, against some of the best guys around. And, yeah, I know he has, too; I get it. But I have things I can bring to the table. Why’d we always have to work the same style?”

“You mean... you don’t think every match should have at least three AAs in it?”

“Ha!” AJ looks up to catch Shane’s eye in surprise, relieved Shane gets it. They raise their eyebrows at each other and grin, happy to be sharing the secret. “No, I don’t! Plus, do I have to be carried around the ring on the guy’s shoulders at every house show? I carry my kids around like that – do I look like a kid?”

“Well... you kind of do.”

“Shut up, I ain’t that short.”

Shane laughs. “It’s a cute spot, though – the folks in the crowd sure love it.”

“Cute?! Me being carried around like a little baby is cute to you?”

“Well – to everyone! It looks sweet!”

“Oh, cute and sweet, now?! I’m a grown-ass man, Shane – don’t you forget that,” AJ advises with a rougher voice.

“Hmm...” Shane looks him over, appraisingly. ”I think you’ve got a bit more growing to do.”

AJ thumps Shane’s arm indignantly and flashes another grin.

“Whatever, man.”

They should be getting back up to work on their sets; get used to each other’s rhythm, build muscle-memory for the other’s movement. But Shane doesn’t want to get up yet. Doesn’t seem like AJ’s in a hurry to move, either. They catch each other’s eyes again and smile.

“I, uh, won’t hurt you in there, if I can help it,” AJ says hesitantly, gesturing to the ring.

“I know.”

AJ’s looking away and biting at his bottom lip – Shane’s noticed him doing that a lot. Little mannerisms you get to know when you’re working with someone so closely like this. The way AJ smoothes his hair down before he jams his cap on his head. How he walks with his back, really, really straight, as if he can’t bear to lose any inches to the taller people around him. The way he won’t curse, but thinks “motherfreaker” or “freaking” are acceptable alternatives. How much he loves his family. It’s rare Shane feels genuine fondness towards people he works with, the way he’s starting to feel towards AJ.

“Where’s this coming from – think I can’t take what you’ve got?”

AJ softly smiles at Shane’s attempt to move the tone back to teasing, but he’s serious. He takes a deep breath before explaining.

“I remember how you looked at Survivor Series; that bump you took. That was... really bad. This is a big thing for you to do, getting back in the ring again after that. I appreciate it. I really do.”

“You don’t have to appreciate anything – I’m happy to do this. Thank you for working with me. This has been... one of the easiest experiences I’ve had putting a programme together, so far, really.” Shane’s noticed that away from other people, and the easy confidence (almost arrogance) he adopts in groups, AJ doesn’t ever acknowledge compliments. He changes the subject, or starts rubbing his arms, or messing with his hair, scrunching his face up. Which is what he’s doing now.

“Anyway, I’ve taken bigger bumps than that one.”

“You were younger then, Shane. Much younger.”

“Hey, now! Watch it.”

“Old man now – silver fox.” AJ laughs.

“Shut up. But, thank you for calling me a fox – I appreciate that. You’ve got taste, clearly.”

“Well, you pay my bills.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Then, I won’t think you’re a fox anymore,” AJ stretches his arms up over his head, dropping them to huff out, “Anyway, you think Baron is a ‘stud’, apparently, so...”

“I told you I don’t remember saying that – you’re making that up.”

“You said it; I heard ya, Shane – you said it on the aftershow, you know ya did,” AJ explains again patiently, his accent getting thicker. “You said he’s a stud. You’ve never called me a stud. You know I’m still upset about that...”

“Okay, you’re a stud.”

“Thank you,” AJ nods, smirking and taking another gulp of his water.

Shane leans back and lies down on the mat, sweaty back sticking to the plastic. He can feel the heat and sweat coming off of AJ, sitting right next to him in this training gear – loose shorts, T-shirt, and cap. Shane’s used to working out and hanging out with the boys, but he’s always felt the need to impress them, not to be a stuffy office guy. He’s relaxed now, though.

“I heard you yelling at Roman afterwards that night, backstage.”

He has hazy memories of AJ’s gruff voice shouting, amongst all the other yelling voices – remembers seeing him pushing and shoving.

“It wasn’t his fault, you know. These things happen.”

“I know, but... I wouldn’t have let that happen. You’re too easy-going with that stuff, Shane – you have to look after yourself.”

“Stop – I’m fine.”

“Okay, okay; I’ll lay off, I’m not your wife.” AJ scrunches his face up again, thinking. “Your kids looked so strong about it, though; amazing kids.”

“Yeah, really amazing.” Shane smiles in fondness and pride for his children, and AJ smiles too in recognition of the feeling. “They know the business; they’ve pretty much grown up in it, like I did. I’ve tried to keep them away from it, to a degree, but... they’re McMahons. It’s always going to be a part of their lives.’

AJ’s lifted his shirt up to scratch his side where his tattoos are. Shane counts them out of the corner of his eye, noting the slightly mismatched one for his daughter, disappearing into the crease of his skin by his hip.

“I’ve never really been hurt in the ring like that.”

“No?”

“No, I've never been hurt like that; been lucky.” Shane takes in a breath and wonders if he should say it; they’ve never talked about it.  

“I know your lower back's messed up.” AJ tenses up beside him. Shane knows – he’s not stupid. The pain is more than AJ’s talked about, and it’s not something a little yoga or therapy can fix. “I can tell; it’s okay. I've been around you guys my whole life. The way you hold yourself... It hurts, doesn't it?” AJ flicks his eyes to Shane and away, rubbing and then tapping his own arm – another quirk Shane’s noticed.

"Aches all the time," he murmurs, waiting for Shane’s response. Shane’s never seen him with that look on his face – vulnerable. No jokes, no easy arrogance, no good ol’ boy AJ. Shane lifts his hand to touch his back, comfort him, but drops it again. "Well... I’ll treat you gentle, then.” "Ha – you think I can't take it hard anymore, bossman?' AJ turns to him with a flash of teeth, eyes crinkling at the corners. "Hmmph! Well, if hard is how you want it, Mr Jones, then hard is what I'll give you." This joking back and forth is what AJ's comfortable with – Shane’s used to him yelling faux-threats and innuendo like this to him backstage, keeping things light and teasing. It still gives Shane a start sometimes when it gets particularly near the knuckle, though...

AJ shoots Shane a little sly glance of warmth and trust, quirking another smile.  "We're gonna tear this up together, McMahon." "We sure are."

AJ leans in closer over Shane with a conspiratory look. Shane automatically wants to shift away, but he holds himself still on the mat, pulse speeding up and adrenalin going. His body must be used to going into fight mode when AJ’s close, the roughness of their training and drills tricking him. "Trips who, right?" AJ whispers down with another of his soft smiles, moving back again.

Shane lets out a breath, pulse starting to slow back to normal speed. "Now, don't you go saying that around the locker room – you'll get me all amped-up, and I need to concentrate on being gentle with you in the ring, don’t I?" "Ah, screw you, man."

Shane stretches and groans, sitting up. “I guess we better get back to it...”

“Bring your worst – I’ll take it all, Shane.” AJ says with a grin, then flushes a little at his own talk and falters.

Wrestlers are a strange breed, that’s for sure - AJ’s a good one though, Shane smiles to himself. He pulls himself up to his feet and offers his hand to his friend.  

**

AJ’s beating Shane up backstage tonight, it’s all in place. They’ve run through how many hits AJ’s going to get in, how Shane’s going to protect his head and face against the blows, exactly when his head is going to go through the car window, and how hard he should be pushed.

Shane’s used to being pulled and pushed around by AJ during the regular training they’ve been doing, but this is completely different – more opportunities for it to go wrong. There’s been a strange excitement building in Shane’s gut all day, a nervous wait to see if they can pull it off together.

“You ready for this, Shane? I’m gonna give you everything I’ve got, so you just be ready to take it, boy. Because I’m comin’ for you hard,” is the trash-talk AJ’s been throwing at him today. At catering, walking past him in the corridor, Shane popping his head in to make-up.

“Just because I’m sittin’ here gettin’ all prettied up for later, doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass, so don’t you look at me that way, McMahon.”

“Okay, tough guy.”

“You best know I’m a tough guy.”

“Right – less blush though, Amanda; AJ’s looking flushed already.”

“You’ll be lookin’ plenty flushed later, tell you that,” AJ mutters, looking back down at his phone and letting the make-up department do their work.

The ‘fight’, when it happens, is rough, and Shane’s eye starts to swell and bruise from one of the fists he didn’t block. In rehearsal, each slow-motion run through of their moves had ended with AJ patting Shane’s shoulder with a deep ‘That’s good’ or ‘That’s right’. During the actual scene, AJ has to leave Shane on the floor in a heap, getting in a few last kicks before walking away. From the ground, he can see AJ’s eyes look worried when he spots the blood he’s left. He can also see that AJ’s belt has popped open during the struggle. They got caught up and went too far.    

Afterwards, it feels like it had been real. The adrenalin Shane’s body has started to produce too much of whenever AJ is around rushes through him for hours that night, him not being able to stop lines of AJ’s growled dialogue slipping back into his thoughts.

Memories of what him and AJ had said afterwards keep playing back in his head as well...

“You okay, Shane?! Boy, look at that welt – I’m sorry, man!” AJ reaches to hold Shane’s head in his hands after the broadcast, trying to turn it back and forth for a better look.

“It’s nothing,” Shane says, letting AJ hold his head to see. “It looked great on camera – have you seen it yet?”  

“Nah, just... still trying to calm down,” AJ lets Shane go to run his hands through his own hair, pushing out a shuddering breath. He seems antsy, bouncing up and down on his heels, then shaking his arms out.  

“That was intense, right? I mean, it felt like I was really puttin’ my hands on ya,” He steps closer into Shane’s body, looking at him as if he wants to start it all over again. Shane can’t help but feel a corresponding urge to square up. Something about being around AJ now makes him feel like this, always slightly on edge.

AJ seems to realise what he’s doing and makes himself step back, but his eyes are still shining, and his mouth is hanging slightly open.

“I feel nuts right now. You sure you’re okay, Shane?”

“Told you, I can take the hard hits; don’t go soft on me.”

“Ha, no chance of that,” AJ says with a rasping chuckle, running his pointed tongue over his lower lip – Shane’s noticed him doing that a lot now, too.

AJ laughs at himself. “Boy, it’s fun beating you up. I’m so pumped, feels like I could run ten miles now, easy.”

Shane feels the same, like he could run or fight all night. Instead, he tries to stop bearing his teeth at AJ, stop smiling so much. Wanting to crowd into him for some reason, put his hands on him in response. He wants to bite into something, hard.

He breathes and tries to sound normal.

“Probably too late for that, huh – better just head back to the hotel and... do what you can with that energy.”

AJ raises an eyebrow at that, and Shane realises what he’s implied.

“I mean – in the hotel gym! Or, whatever. Whatever you... want to do.”

AJ leans in, still breathing heavily, Shane feeling it on his face. Shane can’t stop himself from letting his lips peel back over his teeth, leaning in, too.

“Now that, bossman, is none of your business, is it?”

Shane nods at the wink AJ sends him before walking off. Then he notices members of the backstage crew watching him watch AJ walk away with a big smile. He quickly drops it.    

**

AJ is killing him now.

What Daniel said last week about the flirting was right, but he’s wrong about the motivation behind it – he must be. AJ doesn’t realise what he’s doing; surely? Their programme is over, Wrestlemania long gone, but they have a friendship now. Their wives and children get on. AJ and Shane have an easy back and forth; they talk about their families, how it’s going on the road, what they want for the future... but they’ve also kept up with the faux-macho posturing, the innuendo, the ribbing.

But is it ribbing when one person can’t stop themselves from thinking about the other? The inappropriate thoughts that keep crowding in? How many times can a person run to the bathroom to calm down, without their loved ones thinking they’re sick?

Maybe Shane is sick. Because he’s locked in a bathroom again and panicking.

Xavier Woods and that stupid, stupid cake. He’d passed Shane in the corridor a moment ago, backstage, covered in cake and frosting. Which is fine – Shane doesn’t ask questions; never does.

But AJ walking up to him a moment later with a fingerful of it and offering it to Shane? He couldn’t have just laughed that off and walked away, could he? Of course not.  

"It's really good McMahon, you should get you some. You want some... right?" AJ’d taunted smugly, holding his finger in front of Shane’s face.

He’d had that look in his eye that he gets when he’s making these jokes with Shane now, the sparkle that looks like pure joy when Shane plays along. “Play this game with me,” his eyes say. But where does he want the game to lead? Since Shane realised what all the adrenalin is down to, why he feels nervous when AJ’s around, he’s started to stop caring where it goes. He just wants to keep AJ looking at him like that. Like they have this secret funny game no one else knows about. "Hmm... it does look good.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“What if I do want some of that?"

AJ had made like he was really thinking about it. “Well, now that’s a real shame, isn’t it? Because this right here is mine,” he’d said with pretend sadness, shaking his head in mock regret and holding the eye-contact. He’d sighed and slapped his leg with his other hand. “So. What’re we gonna do now, Shane?”  The next moment is what Shane wishes he could rewind and stop. Why Shane’s shut in the bathroom and sweating, waiting for a sexual harassment suit to be brought in here and slid under the cubicle door at any moment.

“I’ve got an idea.”

“Oh yeah?”

He’d grabbed AJ’s thick wrist and quickly swooped his head down over AJ’s hand, lightly closing his teeth down to the middle knuckle of the cream-covered forefinger, dragging the cake and frosting into his mouth. "Mmm. Thanks AJ. Tastes pretty good." Tastes pretty good.

Shane hits his head against the wall of the cubicle he’s locked himself in, feeling thrilled and sick at the same time. Shane just had AJ’s finger in his mouth. And he’d really, really liked it.

His panic gets worse as he gets more excited about what he’s just done. AJ flirting, Daniel?! Right. Sexy handsome raspy-voiced straight man AJ flirting with Shane? Yeah, sure. That's as realistic as... a married straight McMahon suddenly realising he wants a male employee in his bed.

Shane’s losing it, he actually is. Is this stress? Some sort of PTSD after Wrestlemania – is he too old for this? Is that what it is? Why's he thinking like this?  He loves his wife – he loves women – he's never looked at a man like that, except... he looked at AJ in the Wrestlemania gear...

A lot. He told himself at the time that he was just trying to figure out if there was underwear underneath, and if it was decent for broadcast, but no. He was looking. Oh shit – even then, he was looking.  He searches their match up on his phone, watching it on silent, again. Yes, again. How many times has he watched this now? Not enough, not enough. AJ looked so good in those tights, he thinks with growing desperation, so firm but soft, and he felt so warm under Shane's hands. And he was so cocky, baiting Shane in front of everyone, the way he's been doing backstage. What an arrogant and sexy man AJ is, Shane finally fully allows himself to think, mind racing. It's like his brain has just switched on after being locked down for way too long, and all the filthy thoughts flood in one by one. Shane liked him baiting him and grinning that cocky grin; he liked it when AJ called him 'boy' and 'kid'. He’d wanted to show him who the 'boy' really was, though – yeah, fucking show AJ real good. Turn him round into the turnbuckle, pull those stretchy tights right down in front of everyone and bite into AJ's firm cheeks, huh? Force his face between them and eat him out until AJ's just a sobbing mess, hanging over the ropes.  Shane grinds the heel of his hand into the crotch of his jeans, and grits his teeth at the feeling. Would AJ like being spanked?, he thinks with desperation. Yes, he would, he would – he'd want Shane to take him over his knee and whale on him. He got stiff when they had that brawl backstage – Shane noticed that; that’s why the belt popped open. AJ had got an erection from roughing Shane up. He'd joked about it, hadn’t he? "I sure do love givin' you a beating, Shane." Fuck – he's hard in an arena toilet and about to jerk himself off while thinking about that, and he doesn’t care anymore. Shane bets AJ wanted to push him down to his knees on the concrete and grind that denim-covered dick on Shane's face, hook one of those thick thumbs into Shane's mouth to open it up; yes. And Shane would clench his jaw shut against it – but he wants it, AJ knows that, doesn't he-

He hears a door creak open. He freezes.

“Anybody in here?”

It’s AJ, sounding breathless and tense – probably in here to throw up and scrub his hand clean. Shane quickly lifts his feet up and tries to make himself as small and quiet as possible, snapping back to the present and feeling shame and panic course through him.

He sees the shadow of AJ walking past his cubicle, sees it shift as he checks under each door for feet. He can hear AJ let out a sigh when he can’t see anyone, and quickly lock himself into the cubicle next to him. Shane really, really doesn’t want to be here now, but he’s trapped.

He can hear AJ breathing, and a thud, like he’s hitting his head against the partition wall. He’s upset. He’s upset by what Shane just did.

“Oh God... oh God...” Shane gently pushes his ear against the cubicle wall to hear him, and it’s almost as though AJ’s whispering directly into his ear. Shane closes his eyes and wishes he could whisper back, apologise for going too far, making him feel bad. He’s been so messed up and selfish – how could he have let this go so far? He takes his hand away from his hardness and bites his lips, hating himself.

“Oh my fucking God... oh God... Please forgive me,” AJ whispers.

Forgive him?

Shane hears AJ’s zipper being tugged down roughly, jeans being pulled open, and then a bitten-off moan and shuffling.

“Oh God, please forgive me, please forgive me for doin’ this...”

AJ’s touching himself, jerking off in the bathroom. Shane feels a flush go through him.

“I want it so bad, I just want to be touched all the time, Lord – I can’t bear it anymore, please help me, just let me cum, just let me make myself cum while thinkin’ of it, just once.”

Shane wants to rip the doors off their hinges and watch – grab, and suck, and bite – but all he can do is fight to stay still and silent while listening to the other man pleasure himself.

AJ continues to quietly talk himself through his orgasm, using Shane’s name a few times – which is the hottest thing he’ll ever hear; that deep voice rasping his name. Shane listens to AJ’s breath catch and the groan when he reaches his peak, the shifting and tensing of his body against the partition keeping them apart. He can smell it, too; a faint scent of chlorine, AJ’s arousal. It turns him on even more – he wants it on his fingers.

“Oh, fuck...” It’s the first time he’s heard AJ curse properly, and it sounds so sinful, but so sorrowful alongside the left-over lust. Shane feels shame to hear it.

AJ’s still breathing so hard against the wall, Shane wonders if he’ll be able to calm himself down. He listens to AJ sniff and swallow a few times, gathering himself – hears him clean himself with tissue paper and zip back up, put himself together again. Washing his hands, the door closing after he leaves.

Shane’s too shocked to finish what he’d started before AJ came in.

[cognizantlyalive]

im not particularly sad, but i feel like my feelings have been corrupted now that the association with xw has been dug up?

i read past blog posts abt xw and i was so sad. so attached. i don't ever wna go back there. then unfortunately the feelings got a bit mixed when i retrieved memories of gerald and then everything mixed and became a sentimental and dark mush. i mustnt do this to my memories of gerald. they were lighter, more certain. less attached. more whole, more healthy.

that day in week 8 when things turned. the day before, we had spent the day in the library studying tgt, it was such a good day. i rmb i was worrying over him not replying. then he did. and then the rain stopped and all was bright. and we met downstairs at “joyful” for breakky and i laughed at his shirt and he said “you mean you haven't seen me wear this before? its meant to be scary not cute”. and then we went upstairs and we were studying tgt before lunch w dawn. when we had lunch w dawn, we bumped into each other several times.. and he leaned over my side to get food and things felt so comfortable. the sun was warm. when we headed back we continued studying then we discussed ethics. but i rmb he kept his distance. but then aft tt he resigned. i think he was always trying to keep a distance now. like how he planned to go home for dinner. how he would hug the back of the chair when talking to me. but then i rmb there was that time he let his guard down and then we drifted into each other’s personal spaces. that day. however, afterward during our tea break, he didn't show any expression when i told him abt my stroke. he kept his distance. but i rmb he told me he knew i was sad that day in the lib aft we went to donate blood. that day, he held space for me. he looked me in the eye, didn't probe, patted my leg. we were sitting very close, using his comp and he showed me various things like book depository. and we were looking at my bottle cap. then when i left, he said “don't get caught in the rain”. he always seems to be concerned about my well-being. like that time i went to korea and said i was cold, the first thing he said was “didn't pack enough warm clothing?” i hate it when they are so caring. makes it so hard to hate/ want to leave them. then when we were watching stranger things tgt and our legs touched. but he still kept his distance. but then afterward he asked me to walk with him and jcnth to his car. he got annoyed when i kept talking to him though, as if he wanted me to talk to jcnth instead. but then afterwards, we arranged to meet the next day. i suppose jcnth told him if he doesnt like me in that way/ want a relationship with me, he should let me go. at that point, i thought she told him if he likes me he shldnt have such a co-dependent rs cos i needed an explanation for why he was pulling away. i guess she always had my interests at heart. also its unsettling that she's always stalking me on fb/ instagram. if i meant nothing to grld she probably wouldn't care...... right..?

the following day things Changed Abruptly. i rmb looking at him once in the lib, holding his gaze. and he asked me “whats up?” and i said nth. and we didn't touch that day, but he still looked up jenny’s cookies just to indulge me. when he left, he said “ciao” abruptly. he was cutting off. and then he cut off when he went overseas. even tho he was actively helping me w my MAS interview up till the morning he flew off. idk these mixed signals. aft that week i tried to cut him off too. i rmb walking ard the sea of ppl in smu and feeling lost, hoping i would see him- he was warm, comforting and sincere when he was with me. he was never rly like tt w all his acquaintances i met in smu. 

i slowly weaned myself off him, grew stronger. grew comfortable with being by myself and in a crowd. leaving him pushed me to invest more in myself, and in interactions with other friends. to not be co-dependent (or one-sidedly dependent) on him. everything went smoothly, i found myself feeling comfortable and happier in sch. all my projects were going smoothly. i was doing well academically. my interviews were progressing. i had friends to have lunch with and study with. all throughout sch, God provided. i never felt lonely or inadequate anymore. that is the beauty in Gerald leaving. 

this time, it will be another trial. of weaning myself of grld. in sch, there was always the certainty that i would see him again- if not that day, then the following day or the following week at class. also, if we screwed up this week and it was cold, we would just wait a few days and then thaw the ice and get closer again. also, if we ever wanted to talk to each other, we could just reply instastories or tele abt sch or abt something we read. yeah we could always talk about anything. he would send me things he came across abt politics or in the news sometimes. i would tell him what i read.. he would tell me what he ate. 

UGH i hate this :( why was he rly just using me for company? to fill some void? i mean for sure he had feelings, but then that could have been part of his motivation also.

[promisemebullshxt]

JB

Headed down to jb w xiong, zhu, sharon, hubert ytd even tho i had quite a sore throat. On the way in they were joking abt my bruises, saying that i look like abuse victim:

"If police asks who abused u, u say i bring u to my family. The maf family." Hahaha, yep, my brothers abused me.

Treated them crabs with some of the money i got back. The chicken wings were so good 😭and even tho someone always say im fat, he told me to "eat eat eat" with angry face when he thought idw eat cos cutting weight(???) Somebody also knows i emo agn but he said sth rly funny: "i will hoot until he go back become an embryo" while imitating the fetus position. HAHAHA EMBRYO FK. Only he can come up with this kind of bullshxt.

Since i was kinda moody and angst-y, we went to some chinese dessert cafe near ksl & i had 2 bowls+toppings+1 egg tart. All the desserts were quite good! Ok so i thought i shldnt b angry anymore cos karma might hit me so ok imma chill while i do massage.

Siambu: *tap tap my bruises* "no pain na?"

Me: no haha. (Honestly it felt better when she massaged the shins)

Went to eat loklok and wanton mee after massage. They started joking abt me going blind again. Hubert says he can open a franchise for the dessert shop we went to & hire disabled workers. Xiong says can help me find a good spot to sing and theyll stand there b my bodyguards. THEN HE EVEN FLIPPED / ROLLED HIS EYES UP omfg this evil boy i told him to stop cos ugly..... FKING IDIOTS but it rly made me laugh omg.... & then the embryo thing.... oh god karma pls dont get me. But his 1 sentence made me happy a lil: "nvm korkor will take care of u". ☺

Finally made our way back to sg and they were joking agn in the car. Zhu said im a damaged lil bird. Of course i am. But im not alone now! reached home at abt 5plus in the morning. Part 2 tonight: USS HHN8 w a fuller squad!